We need to talk about the dead body in my basement

Hey there! Nice to meet you! Jackie, right? Look, Jackie, I know we just met, I know I said some romantic things on that app about us being meant to be because you’re a Capricorn and I’m a Virgo or whatever, by the way, I lied about that. I’m a Libra, I think, I don’t watch sports to know.

Yes, I know I begged for us to “meet at the local taco place as fast as possible” because we “couldn’t let this chance slip by” and all that, but I actually just need your hel- what? No, this is not a pyramid sche- Look just listen to me for a second and stop trying to secretly text your friend that you need an excuse to leave, I’ve seen that trick one too many times to be fooled this time. Oh look, they’re calling, do not pick that up and tell me your grandma is in the hospital, please, I need your help, alright?

Alright, I’ll just come out and say it, there’s a dead body in my basement, and like, I need advice or some- HEY STOP CALLING FOR THE WAITER, WAITER, WE’RE NOT DONE HERE!

YES, I know what it sounds like, but, the creepy part about that statement is the fact that it’s MY body. Hm? Did that finally catch your interest? You’re not going to call the police? Well, thank god, because let me tell you, none of my friends believe me, in fact, they’ve said that “I’m a fucking lunatic” and also that “this is the last straw” and “this is almost as bad as the blender incident”, hm? No, don’t worry about that last part.

Anyways, the body, it’s me. Or at least its someone that looks, talks, and probably thinks the same way as me, I just saw the guy one day, or rather, he saw me, he contacted me in the same dating app where I contacted you in, and said we had a lot to talk about, I thought it was a weirdo catfish at first, but he seemed to have pictures of me in places I’ve never been in before, and stuff like that, so I said okay, and invited him to my house, you know, to have tacos or something.

Look, one thing lead to another and I ended up beating him to death with a baseball bat, I can’t explain why, I just felt this deep feeling of disgust and hatred at this abomination god created to possibly replace me, look, here’s a picture of the guy- oh c’mon, it’s not that disgusting if you just pretend the blood is uh, tomato sauce.

Anyways, guy had the same name as me too, Jack! But with a different last name, what? What’s my last name? I don’t see how that’s important. So you gonna help me get rid of the body or what? YES! I knew I could count on you, Jackie. Let’s get outta here.

So, this is my house, and, well, yeah, the trail of blood down to the basement leads to you know who. Huh? Why am I grabbing my baseball bat? Oh you kno-

*WHAM* *CRACK* *WHAM*

Sorry about that Jackie, I’m not a serial killer if you’re thinking that right now, I wasn’t lying about the dead body and how it seems to be a clone of me, It’s just, you also look an awful lot like me, same name, same facial features but in a female body, and hold on, let me check if I know the password to your phone, 2909, yup, that’s my birthday alright, you’re not a Capricorn at all, you fucking Libra, I think, I don’t watch sports to know.

But anyways, I have no idea how the stars aligned for me to find you in that horrible dating app right after I murdered my own clone, but I think that confirms the theory in my head that there’s more of you, and listen, I don’t know what evil doctor took my DNA and made you idiots, but I’m not gonna let you guys murder me and replace me, I’m not, no chance in hell.

Huh? What do you mean you’re all peaceful? There’s a club? …Fertilizer? Ugh, listen, I don’t want to hear your sick lies and theories about how I’m just one of you and how we’re all just escaped — Look, I’m the real deal, and I will find the rest of you weirdos and deal with the problem, I can promise you that much. Anyways, say goodnight.

Aaaaand that makes 2, well, maybe I shouldn’t have said I would deal with the problem, don’t know if I want to deal with a whole organization of Me, but oh well, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll never see one of them again.

Well, maybe I’m not lucky at all, considering I woke up to text message from an unknown number that only said “WE KNOW”.

big loser