My graveyard shift at Palmart

Hey there, I’m writing a diary again, mostly because the last time my therapist read it she quietly mouthed “what the fuck”, caught herself doing it, felt guilty, then tried to pretend I didn’t catch her doing that and just asked me to keep writing for more next session, then we talked about how I’m “trying to be apathetic so the world can’t hurt me and its driving people away” for an hour or so.

Anyways, let’s get to it, my old lady neighbor seems to be letting another old couple move in with her as their old apartment building burned down or something. At least she seems happy and they seem nice, if a bit religious. Not my thing.

But let’s get to what goes on during my little shift at this sweet, completely normal but also cool Palmart (my manager told me I should add the cool part when I write about Palmart now so I can attract more customers).

12 AM: I arrive and relieve Tony off his shift, his smile tonight seemed to show more teeth than usual, and his eyes also seemed to be bigger than usual, he told me in a sing-song tone about how “The big night is coming, baby!” and then walked off into his car and sped off, I think he’s in a good mood.

12:30 AM: My manager Greg who is also incredibly kind (he told me I should add this if I ever speak about him in a public setting) said “Good luck with the store, pal. I’m counting on ya!” then proceeded to leave, I’m thinking about charging him more next time.

12:50 AM: The one eyed dog is staring at me again, I’ve tried giving him beef jerky treats before but he only stares at it then leaves, not sure what his deal is.

1:00 AM: The one eyed dog is gone

1:30 AM: A middle aged woman came by and bought 3 pears and 3 apples and told me about how his son is so smart that he’s going to be the next “Bill Grates”. I don’t know why she pronounced Gates like that.

1:40 AM: The same middle aged woman came back and bought 3 pears and 3 apples and said the same thing about her son and “Bill Fate”. I don’t know why she pronounced it like that either.

1:50 AM: The same middle aged woman came back again and bought 3 pears and 3 apples and told me the same thing about his son and “Bill Grade”. I asked her why she keeps coming back and she looked at me like I’m the weirdo and then left. I’m starting to think something is up about that.

2:00 AM: She didn’t come back.

2:30 AM: I heard a lot of rumbling in the employees’ bathroom so I decided to check what was happening and when I opened it I saw a bald, small, green-looking man taking what I can only describe as a bath in the toilet. When he spotted me he motioned for me to join him. I closed the door.

3:00 AM: A guy in dirty clothing came by who claimed be a “Detective” and asked if I’ve seen any “suspicious cult activity” in the area, after remembering that one guy who asked where he could get a bloody goat head, I told the detective no. (I’m not supposed to lose customers)

3:10 AM: The detective is still hanging around, he asks if he can use the bathroom, due to company policy about hobos I tell him no.

3:15 AM: He’s now begging for the bathroom and also for a Slurpee

3:16 AM: I get an idea

3:45 AM: The detective gets to use the employees’ bathroom after getting rid of the green guy, I don’t ask how seeing as both of his hands are tinted with red and green.

3:50 AM: He’s still begging for a Slurpee even though I told him the machine was broken, I think he knows I’m lying.

3:55 AM: He gets his Slurpee. It makes me sick to my stomach.

3:59 AM: It’s about to be 4 AM, the detective peeks at my diary and asks “what happens at 4 AM?”, I don’t think he should have done that.

4 AM: Rereading this entry now, It’s mostly a lot of erased and scribbled over words, but nothing happened, don’t worry.

5:00 AM: The detective is crying, I don’t think I can get him to leave.

5:15 AM: A free Slurpee calms him down, he begins telling me about his burned down apartment and some landlord guy, didn’t really pay much attention.

5:40 AM: He boldly exclaims I’m his new friend and then leaves, I remember he didn’t pay for his first Slurpee but it’s too late.

6:00 AM: The guy in a gnome costume leaves a miniature cat statue at the door this time, he runs away when we make eye contact. I think he wants something.

6:30 AM: The cult guy who wanted a goat head and 2 other people come by, they ask me to join their cult. I politely tell them I’m not looking for friends (I’m not supposed to make friends with customers). They leave.

6:40 AM: They’re still staring at me from the outside

7:00 AM: The policeman patrolling by scares them off. I don’t think they like the police.

7:20 AM: I spot a guy riding a bike, he was wearing 3 helmets each over one another. Pretty weird.

7:30 AM: Greg comes back, he avoids eye contact and pays me $200. He didn’t say what he was doing this time.

7:35 AM: The same middle aged woman comes by and buys enough groceries for a nice lunch. She tells me about how smart her daughter is and how proud she is of her. I didn’t really prompt her to talk, she just did.

8:00 AM: A guy named Nick clocks in, I wonder what happened to Roberto.

big loser